Golf and God

I’ve been debating for a while now if I should post about the #MeToo movement… Here’s what I’ve finally decided to post…

When I got home from work last Monday, I turned on Megyn Kelly TODAY (yes, I record Megyn’s show everyday. It’s my thing. Let it go.) and she was discussing the statement making moments at Sunday night’s GRAMMYS. I did not watch it live, but I had seen clips of a few of the referenced performances. They showed a brief clip of Ke$ha and I paused the recording to watch the full version of Ke$ha’s performance. I was speechless. “Praying” has been a song that I have belted while crying in my car since she released it last summer. The song had a very powerful meaning to me that has grown clearer and clearer over the last few months.

I have kept pretty quiet in terms of my own story in wake of all of the #MeToo revelations, because, fortunately, I can say that I have never been assaulted or passed over for a promotion or had a man expose himself to me. I cannot, however, say that I have never had a male coworker touch me in unwanted ways. Because I have. And I froze. This same man did his best to make me feel inferior and beneath him for far too long after that incident. He convinced me that he would never do anything to jeopardize his marriage so there was nothing wrong with what had happened. I haven’t spoken up about this incident in the past because I was unsure of what to make of it, but something I’ve learned over the last few months is that the more I talk about it, the less power he has over me. Even though I no longer work with or see this man, he still had power over me. NOT ANYMORE.

You see, what most people don’t talk about are the subtle ways that sexual harassment effects women in the work place. On Megyn Kelly’s show Monday David Schwimmer (yes, Ross from FRIENDS) was talking about his new #ThatsHarassment initiative. He has produced 6 short films addressing different types of harassment with writer/director Sigal Avin. They are all very powerful and based on real incidents. In the interview, David said, “Sexual Harassment is really about power and it happens in the workplace between two people usually where there is a tremendous imbalance of power.” My former coworker who harassed me believed that he had power over me. He actually believed that he was above me and did his best to convince me this was true, even though we were on the exact same level.

His sexual harassment wasn’t just the one time he touched me. For months he said degrading things and talked vulgarly about other women in front of me to make me uncomfortable. (It’s not that rare to hear that kind of talk from men in the sports business, and not the first time I’ve had a man speak “locker room talk” around me because they feel comfortable since I work in a man’s world.) He told others how he hated me and I racked my brain for reasons why. It took months for me to realize that he hated me because I did not reciprocate his unwanted sexual advance and physical contact one night. But here’s the thing, nothing I did warranted his hatred towards me. He has issues. I know this now. Women have been coming forward with their stories for months now and have been getting backlash because they didn’t speak up at the time or didn’t fight back. In these situations, because of the power imbalance, it’s not just “Fight or Flight”. It’s “Fight, Flight, or Freeze”. I froze because I trusted this man and never suspected that he would make a move on me, but he did.

Sexual Harassment comes in so many forms and varying degrees of severity. And while that is true, every kind of harassment, if you are the person being harassed, makes you feel inferior and can have a lasting effect on many aspects of your life. It took me a long time to come to terms with this fact because I didn’t think of what was happening to me as a type of harassment that should have that kind of effect on my life. I didn’t realize how I was pushing other people in my life away because I wasn’t dealing with what was going on in my work life. I had compartmentalized the interactions in my brain and didn’t think there was anything different with any of my other relationships. I can only imagine how a more severe type of physical harassment or assault can effect women, because mine was mostly mental.

This wasn’t the only time, in my short professional career, that I have had to deal with sexual harassment though. I had a coworker at a different job sending me and a few other women we worked with very inappropriate text messages. He was a few years younger so I mostly brushed it off and thought of it as being childish. Then, one day, I was playing golf with one of our male coworkers (because I believe men and women can have non-sexual friendships, unlike many people I have worked with) and I showed him a few of the texts. He told me that was not normal and that he was a bit worried because the coworker who was sending me inappropriate texts could most likely overpower me in a physical confrontation if it came to that. The next morning, one of my female coworkers told him she was receiving texts from the same male. He told her to talk to me and, together, we went to HR. I wish more male coworkers would react like mine did and stand with the women that tell them about inappropriate behavior in the work place.

If you have a friend or coworker or family member that tells you about an incident where they were sexually harassed by a coworker, listen. Don’t judge. Don’t tell them how they could have avoided it or what they should have done differently. Trust me, they’ve already played through all of the scenarios in their head. Don’t ask them why they didn’t speak up sooner. Don’t laugh. Don’t pity them. Just listen. Tell them that you are there to listen and mean it. Don’t tell them they need to report it if they have not already. I was lucky, when I did finally tell my bosses what happened (a year after the incident) I was met with understanding and support. Many women do not have that luxury. Many women are met with blame and CYA (cover your ass) behavior by their bosses or the HR department. Many women are still told that they must have done something to bring on that kind of behavior. Some of these reactions are because there have been some very public false accusations in the past. Some people have cried “wolf” so many times that employers don’t believe when the real wolf has attacked. I know that I was lucky. There are varying degrees of sexual harassment in the workplace, and what happened to me was pretty minor on the physical scale, but it took away my dignity. I can only imagine the way women feel that have dealt with more extreme degrees, like assault and rape. I know I am lucky. But, I also know that this will probably not be the last time I have to deal with some degree of this behavior. It is far too common.

1 in 4 women will face sexual harassment in the workplace. 1 IN 4… It’s 2018. This is not okay. There needs to be a change in our culture, not just in the work culture, but in general that tells men this type of behavior is not appropriate. We can all do a better job of educating boys at a young age about appropriate behavior. I’ll continue to do my best and I hope you do as well. This kind of behavior has to stop. It’s not normal. If you have been harassed in any form and people told you that it wasn’t a big deal, hear me now: It isn’t normal and you shouldn’t ever have to deal with it. AND it isn’t your fault. You’re not alone. If you need someone to listen, I’m here.

Thank you for reading!